


Together We Were Strong

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: On and On [11]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Future Fic, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 19:05:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10419090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: “I spent over 20 years chasing the ghost of my father; the man who harmed my mother.  She took the pain that he inflicted on her out on me.  I spent all that time trying to heal her; heal myself.  It made things worse.”





	

Liv tried to hold back the frantic feeling in her chest as she rushed around the ER. All they would tell her was that he was in the back. She didn’t know why he was there or what condition he was in. The only thing that soothed Liv, and it was just a fraction, was that she wasn’t asked if she was next of kin. That was usually the first indication that someone was dead or damn near so.

“Ed!” she walked through the sliding glass door and into the room. She was surprised to see his daughter there. It had been a few years and Caitlin had changed a lot; she looked like a woman. She looked like her mother.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“Hey now, don’t be rude.” Ed opened his eyes but his lids were still hooded.

“It’s a simple question.” She looked from her father to the person she once thought might be her stepmother. “I'd like an answer.”

“I was trying to reach you all day.” Liv was addressing Ed more than Caitlin. “I was starting to worry and Noah was too. I finally called Sean and he told me you’d been rushed to the hospital.”

“I wasn’t rushed Liv, I'm fine.”

“You do not look fine. You didn’t sound fine on the phone last night.”

“He doesn’t have the strength for this.” Caitlin said. “You need to go and he’ll call you when he's feeling better.”

“His son is scared to death. I want to know what’s going on.”

Caitlin went to speak and Ed grabbed her wrist. He didn’t grab it too hard as his intent was not to hurt her. Whatever she was going to say next was unnecessary and he already knew it. Ed knew because he knew who her parents were. When Caitlin was pissed, Ed and Betsy came out like nobody’s business. 

She could cut a person in half with two sentences and never look back at the carnage. Michelle used to make him laugh, saying that as Caitlin got older that those skills would be honed and mostly used for good. She talked about it like a superpower, and for many women it was. But Caitlin was young and impulsive; if she was angry there was no telling what destruction she could leave in her wake.

“Walk it off.” He said quietly. “You take a lap and I’ll talk to Liv.”

“Are you sure, Daddy?” she asked.

“I'm sure. Go on.”

She let out a heavy sigh, turning and grabbing her satchel from the chair. She kissed her father’s cheek before leaving the room. Liv could feel the laser beams coming from her eyes. If looks could kill she would surely be dead on the floor. Once they were alone, Liv walked over and stood on the side of the bed.

“Noah really was scared. He called three times and couldn’t reach you. It started to scare me. Though it was a bit uncomfortable, I called Sean. You always said I could if I couldn’t reach you. He told me what happened.”

“Is Noah alright?” Ed asked.

“I called the best last minute babysitter I know; Carisi. He's at home.”

“You gotta get some new friends.”

“What happened?”

“I don't know.” Ed closed his eyes. He was still talking but it seemed as if his lids were too heavy to hold open. His voice sounded far away but they were in the same room. “On Wednesday I just felt really run down. Yesterday I didn’t feel worse but I felt the same so I just stayed in. I hated cancelling on Noah…studying for his spelling tests are important to me. 

“Today I kept vomiting though I wasn’t eating much and I felt dizzy. I was weak and my muscles ached. Cait came over to check on me, insisted we go to the ER. They took one look at me and put me on fluids. I don’t know how many bags I've had but my body isn't aching as much. They may have given me meds too…I don't know.”

“OK,” she came closer and caressed his cheek. “Don’t waste your strength telling me anymore. I’ll find out what the doctors are looking for and if they're thinking about keeping you. Do you need anything?”

“You take care of Noah; I'm fine.”

“You're not fine, Ed, you're in an ER. The last thing you are is fine.”

“It’s not your problem, Liv.”

“Well that’s a mean thing to say. We’re friends and I care about you. You’re ill.”

“I cannot cater to you at the moment. I can barely stand on my feet.”

“You're lying down…in a hospital bed.”

“Stop telling me what I'm supposed to feel. You're always taking center stage, it has to be all you, you, you, you, and more you. As a matter of fact…”

He was still speaking but his voice was slurred. Then he just dissolved into speaking gibberish. He also began to shake.

“Oh my god, Ed?” Liv tried to get him to open his eyes. “Ed? Ed?”

Pulling up one of his eyelids, she only saw the whites of his eyes. Liv rushed to the door and called out for help. Two nurses came into the room followed closely by Caitlin. When the doctor came, she ushered both of them out and shut the door.

“What did you do to him?” Caitlin demanded. She tried to see through the window what was happening but they pulled the curtain.

“I didn’t do anything. He was just talking to me and then his speech slurred and he was speaking gibberish.”

“Gibberish? He was fine until you showed up.”

“Caitlin, I didn’t make him sick.”

“Oh you think, because everything was fine and then here you come back on the scene. He didn’t need you barging back into his life.”

“I didn’t barge back into his life.” Liv said. “I did not do that. Your father and I are friends.”

“You are not friends. Friends don’t leave friends hanging for three years. You dangle Noah in front of him like a carrot because you know how much he loves him. Do friends do that to each other? Where is the paperwork for my dad to adopt him? You have him in your back pocket as long as you’re holding his son hostage. You think that hasn’t affected his health?”

“I would never do something like that. Why do you think…?”

“I'm not 14 years old anymore and my eyes are wide open.” Caitlin said. “You have no idea how much you hurt him when you did what you did. You're hurting him right now. Play dumb all you want but I swear, if you don’t do right by my dad you are going to wish you never saw him in that store.”

“Cait…”

Caitlin walked away from her. When the medical team walked out of the room they approached Liv but the teenager stopped them.

“She is not his family, I am. What happened?”

“My name is Dr. Sanders and we’re going to admit him. Right now it’s just for one night of observation. He had a blood sugar and blood pressure drop that caused him to shake and black out.”

“His speech slurred and then he was speaking gibberish.” Liv said, ignoring the death glare that Caitlin gave her.

“That was likely caused by the quick drop in blood sugar. It’s a common symptom, along with the fainting.”

“Is he going to be alright?” Caitlin asked.

“At first glance, from what we’ve gathered so far, we think the answer is yes. We’re running extensive blood and urine tests right now. My first observation is that your father was suffering from exhaustion and some kind of heat related illness, similar to heatstroke but without the increased body temperature. Have there been any changes in his life in the past month or so, or even the past few months that have caused stress on him physically or even emotionally?”

“Oh yes.” Caitlin again cut her eyes at Liv.

“We’re going to admit him and make sure all test results are clear.” Dr. Sanders said. “We’ll get him hydrated, his pressure stable, and his sugar regulated. He's sick but I feel confident with rest and care he will be on the mend. Your father is a very healthy man and sometimes men of his age forget that they're men of his age and overdo it. These past couple of weeks have been hot; we’ve seen this more than a few times.”

“Thank you so much.”

“It could be an hour or so before we get him settled upstairs. If you need to go for whatever reason, just give your information to the nurse and she’ll call you as soon as he's settled into a room.”

“I can stay if you need to go.” Liv said when the doctor walked away.

“You’ve done enough.” Caitlin said. “I wouldn’t leave my father and certainly not with you.”

“Fine, Caitlin, you hate me. I get that, and I know you're not the first person who does. But I'm worried sick about Ed and I'm not going to let anyone belittle that, including you.”

“You can worry about him from home. We don’t need you here.”

“Isn't that a decision for your father to make?” Liv asked.

“From a hospital bed, you're still asking him to stop everything…choose you, love you. You are something else.”

“You should watch how you talk to me.”

“And you should stop thinking that you have any right to tell me what to say or feel.” Caitlin stepped into her face. Her eyes were flashing brimstone and she looked just like her father when he was angry. “You destroyed him. I don’t give a damn how worried you say you are, it’s your fault that he's sick. You're like a virus, Olivia, and dad can't shake you from his bloodstream. Well I'm not my father and my blinders are off.”

“Hey, what's going on here?” Sean walked over to the two women, gently taking his sister by the shoulder. “Walk it off, Cait.”

“Why are you the second person to tell me that in 15 minutes?”

“Because you're obviously angry and need a breather. Take a walk, its fine. I got this.”

She sighed and left the ER, yet again. Sean just looked at Liv. It had been three and a half years since she'd seen him but he didn’t look much different, like a younger Ed Tucker with more hair. He was 24 now, a college grad, and living in the Bronx with his girlfriend Zency Soo. Liv had met her too, many years ago when things were so different.

“I'm not good with awkward hugs.” He said.

“OK.” Liv didn’t know what that meant and she'd had her fill of the wrath of Tucker kids today. She probably needed to go soon anyway. Carisi couldn’t stay with Noah forever.

“C'mere.” Sean pulled her into his arms and Liv just held on tight. She started crying before she could really stop herself. Then she was sobbing. Then Sean was holding her up so she wouldn’t crumble to the ground.

“I got you, Liv; I got you.”

He helped her over to a bench and sat down beside her. A nurse came with a box of tissues; they both thanked her.

“What happened? Is dad alright?”

“The doctors said he's going to be fine. They plan to admit him at least overnight for observation and more tests. I was in the room talking to him and his speech just devolved Sean. He was talking gibberish, his speech was slurred, and he was shaking.”

“Oh my God.”

“They think it was a drop in blood sugar and blood pressure at the same time. Has he been sick? Did he mention anything to you?”

“No.” Sean shook his head. “On Wednesday he mentioned he felt bad; thought he might be coming down with something. He got worse quickly. I'm glad Cait made him come here today…this could've been much worse.”

“Yeah. She seems so angry.”

“She's not angry, well she might be angry with you. That’s not for me to judge or to get in the middle of. The truth is that she's afraid. Her hero is lying in a hospital bed and this is how bad times for families start. Cait will be fine.”

“I don’t want to go but I should get home to Noah.”

“Do not tell him that dad is in the hospital, Liv.” Sean said. “You think Cait is scared, Noah will hit DEFCON 2. Just tell him that dad is under the weather and he’ll call him in the morning. Believe me, I will do everything I can to make sure that happens.”

“OK.” Liv nodded.

“I don’t want to interfere with how you raise him, but…”

“No, you're right. Noah is a worrier; most six year olds are. I’ll make sure to keep it as calm as possible on my end. I'm going to kiss your father goodbye and go home.”

“Are you alright?” Sean asked.

“No.” Liv shook her head. “But I can't hang around here. I don’t want to fight and Ed doesn’t need to be worried about Caitlin and I going ten rounds. Thank you.”

“You know that I love you. It hurt us all in different ways when you and dad split up. We thought you two were going to get married and Noah would be our brother. Dad really thought after Paris…” Sean sighed. “Anyway, just give Noah a big hug from his big brother and dad will call him.”

“OK.”

Liv nodded, getting up from the bench. She was still clutching her used tissues as she walked back into the hospital room. Ed was sound asleep but there were new machines hooked up to monitor things. What, Liv wasn’t sure of, but she was sure that the doctors at Lenox Hill Hospital could do their jobs.

“I'm going to get out of here.” Liv threw her tissues in the trash and took his hand. “I'm scared but I'm going to let the doctors do their job and not hover. Sean and Caitlin are here; they’ll make sure you have everything you need. Noah will be fine. I love you.” she gave him a light kiss on the lips.

“I love you too, Livvie.” Ed murmured.

“Don’t wake up.” She stroked his hair. “Just get better…use all your strength to get better. I’ll see you soon and so will Noah.”

This time she kissed his cheek. When she turned to walk away, Caitlin was leaning on the wall. Liv didn’t know how much she heard and didn’t want to know. She said a quick goodbye because being rude would just add fuel to the inferno inside the teenager. She would cry all the way home, needing to get it all out before seeing Noah and having to make everything alright. He would sense her feelings immediately so Liv had to be at the top of her game.

***

“Is he out of the hospital?” Vicki asked, writing something down in her file.

“They released him on Sunday afternoon.” Liv replied. “All of his numbers were where they needed to be. The doctors think it was dehydration and exhaustion. Apparently the past few months he's been under emotional duress.”

“How so?”

“I can guess.”

“What’s your guess?”

“It’s me, of course…this is my fault.” Liv said.

“Olivia, Ed is a man in his mid-50s. He leads a busy, fulfilling life and has just taken on, with enthusiasm, care for a six year old. Tell me how this is your fault?”

“I cause him stress.”

“How?”

“It’s what I always do. I pull him in too many different directions. First I love him, then I want to be friends, then draw a line in the sand; I don’t want us to be connected at all except as co-parents. I'm killing him.”

“You're giving yourself too much power.” Vicki said.

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t make Ed sick.” The psychiatrist said it slowly and with emphasis. “He's busy and was doing a little too much. It had nothing to do with you. Has there been some stress between you? Without a doubt. But Ed didn’t end up in the hospital because of anything you did.”

“How do you know that?” Liv asked.

“Because you are notorious for putting too much shit on yourself…forgive my French.” Vicki said.

“Caitlin thinks it’s my fault.”

“Caitlin is Ed’s youngest daughter?”

“Yes.” Liv nodded. “She apparently hates my guts; I've never seen her so angry. She used to like me a lot but I guess when Michelle entered the picture…”

“Olivia, her father was hospitalized and she was scared. You know from experience that when you're scared you lash out. I don’t think Caitlin hates you, and even if she does her feelings are valid. She never need justify them to you. And to attribute her not liking you to liking Ed’s friend Michelle…that’s immature. Most people don’t think in black and white terms like that. If someone accused you of something like you would be angry.”

“She said that my being back in his life is part of the problem. I know from Ed that she and Michelle are close; Caitlin sees her as a mentor.”

“She may have no idea of Ed and Michelle’s intimate relationship.” Vicki said. “You need to get off of Michelle and focus. Do you believe Caitlin?”

“If something bad happened to Ed because of what I've done, I would never forgive myself.” Liv replied.

“You have quite enough that you're never forgiving yourself for. Let's scale back a bit.”

“All that Ed has ever done was love me, and Noah.” Liv said. “He loves my son so much. I watch him and Noah together and my heart nearly bursts with joy. At night when we say our prayers, Noah always prays for Daddy. But it’s more than that.”

“How so?”

“I'm not sure. I've never had a father.”

“OK.”

“The safety, the love, and the security that Noah feels…I've never experienced that. In the beginning, I can admit to being jealous. I don't know a mom alive who isn't rubbed a bit wrong when dad gets more love. But the two of them are so fantastic, I just fell in love with Noah’s happiness. My son has something I never had and I hope that means he won't fall into some of the traps that I did.”

“What kind of traps?” Vicki asked.

“I spent over 20 years chasing the ghost of my father; the man who harmed my mother. She took the pain that he inflicted on her out on me. I spent all that time trying to heal her; heal myself. It made things worse.”

“You didn’t know what else to do.”

“The smart thing would've been to distance myself as much as I could from violent, abusive men. You would think that even someone who knew very little would know that, right? I may have learned that if I went to therapy earlier.” Liv said. “I was trying to be everyone’s hero because I couldn’t be my own…I couldn’t be my mother’s.”

“When you're in the middle of it, arresting bad guys and helping victims become survivors, did you think you needed therapy?”

“Somewhere deep down, of course I did. I was seeking it out in the form of mentors and conversations with protective people, like Sister Peg and Simone Bryce. I'm not sure he ever really said it aloud, but Elliott had a healthy disdain of psychiatry. Every time cases went bad, we would have to sit with the 1PP shrink before being allowed back on the street. And every time he made it like pulling teeth. 

“We worked with George Huang for years, who was terrific at what he did. Elliot made nearly every case a battle. I gave hundreds of victims and victim’s families cards for helplines, therapists, and advocates but I felt I was stronger than that. He was right…we would just keep arresting them and eventually the pain and anger would fade. What bullshit. It didn’t work for him and sure as hell didn’t work for me.”

“Did you really feel stronger or did you just have a better crutch?”

“Do you mean Elliott?”

“I'm asking you. You say it was bullshit. When did you figure that out?”

“I'm going to have to do this, aren’t I?” Liv asked.

“Do you mean talk about Elliott?”

“Why did I think I could really avoid it and get better?”

“You tell me.”

“He abandoned me, Vicki. Like every other man in my life, he walked away without as much as a goodbye. You know what, not every man in my life did that. I was the one who always ran. But Elliott walked out on me. No note, no goodbye, no good luck; nothing. Did I ever tell you that he and Ed hated each other?”

“No.” Vicki wrote something in her file. “Did this have to do with Ed being in Internal Affairs?”

“Both of us were dragged in front of him our fair share over the years; El more than me. Ed was our nemesis…he was the enemy of the entire squad. When we saw him coming we were ready to flip tables.”

“He was your enemy for doing his job? The same thing that you were trying to do?”

“I never understood why he would want that job. Everyone hated to see him coming.” Liv said.

“How many people over the years asked you why you worked for the sex police?” Vicki asked. “Isn't that what you told me they called it?”

“Yes, and too damn many.”

“You had a legitimate reason that made sense to you. I'm sure that Ed did as well. Was Elliott as dedicated to SVU as you were?”

“Most of the time my answer would be yes. For me, I felt I was healing old wounds. For him, he was getting to inflict pain on those who inflicted pain on innocent people. He was very black and white about the whole thing, which was why he got a fair share of brutality checks on his sheet. I can't judge him…we were both messed up.”

“You two mixed together into a pretty poisonous cocktail.” Vicki was writing again.

“I drank that cocktail for over a decade. It’s hard for me to talk about.”

“Were you in love with him?”

“You ask me that a lot.”

“I want you to answer truthfully.”

“No…I don't know. I really hardly know what that means. I was devoted to him; he found a good one in me. I was abandoned, had been abandoned as a child though my mother was always there. I was emotionally abandoned. He plucked all the right strings, though I don’t think I can ever say he did it with malice…fate threw us together. I wanted to be loved, needed; maybe I wanted to save him.”

“From himself?” Vicki asked.

“From everything. Me and El against the world, which was so ridiculous in retrospect. He had a wife and five kids and I had nothing. We weren’t lovers, as I told you when he and his wife were separated he could hardly keep it in his pants. But he never approached me like that. 

“It was like he made me believe I was too special, too wonderful to ever be treated that way…that those other women meant nothing but he had a basic instinct. This was probably all in my head. Or maybe I had his bullshit down to a science way deep in the back of my head. I kept it in the same place where I knew I needed more help than I was getting. I've spent so many years trying to move on but can't figure out how to get closure.”

“Elliott will never provide that closure, you have to.” Vicki said. “You're a damn good detective, Olivia. If you wanted to find and confront him, you could do it. You surely have some idea how and where to do that. You’ve probably memorized his address or what he's doing now.”

“No comment.” She shook her head. “I'm so damn tired.”

“We still have 15 minutes but we can certainly stop.”

“Will I ever been OK, Vicki? Will I ever be normal? Can't I just love someone and allow myself to be loved without carrying an entire luggage rack around my neck?”

“I know that you're a survivor. The love you have for the people in your life shows that you are capable and even eager with your affection. This is much more about trust than actually being able to show affection. You're not a sociopath, Olivia, it’s there. 

“You’ve been traumatized for long periods of time; you have PTSD. Every day you get up and can count the day as a W at bedtime is a victory. Every battle, big and small, should be celebrated. We need to concentrate on the goodness for a little while. Tell me 5 good things you're thinking about. We can end on that note.”

“Noah and I made dinner together on Sunday evening and we sang 80s songs on the radio. We made some chicken and dumplings to take to Ed tomorrow. I'm going to an art show with Melinda this weekend. Next week I'm speaking at Drexel about consent and I'm working on my speech. These things still make me really nervous if you can believe it.”

“I believe it.” Vicki said. “That’s three things so give me two more.”

“Um, Ed is out of the hospital and on the mend. I had to brave in front of Noah but I was really worried about him. He's always been so healthy since I've known him so I just couldn’t shake my fear that I was going to lose him suddenly. Tonight after Noah goes to bed I'm doing a hot bath, candles, and Def Leppard on vinyl. I think calling it an early night will be good.”

“Would you like to see me again this week or should I schedule you for next Monday?” Vicki asked as she stood from her chair.

“Next Monday is fine.”

“If you want I can set up some exercises that might make it easier to talk about Elliot. It'll be slower, safer, and you won't overwhelm yourself. Does that sound like something you want to do?”

“Maybe.” Liv replied. “I want to be ready but can't be sure that I am. I want to be though. There are two men in my life right now and they aren’t like the other men. They deserve something different from the usual mess I get myself into. So do I.”

“We can work on that together. I also want to remind you that it’s important to communicate as openly as possible with them. They're not abstract ideas, they're human beings. Tell them what you're thinking and feeling and I don’t just mean when you're feeling confident. If you feel they deserve something different, and so do you, you have to work toward it. Even when it’s hard you don’t give up.”

“I’ll try.” Liv said.

“That’s all any of us do.”

“Do you think that there are some questions and answers I can work on with friends, loved ones, even by myself to help clear up the fog in my brain sometimes?”

“Absolutely.” Vicki nodded. “Next week I can get you websites and book suggestions. I often encourage patients to talk to their loved ones safely about their trauma. It’s a big part of the healing process that is sometimes overlooked. I’ll see you next week, Olivia.”

“Alright.”

Liv didn’t cry at the end of this session and she considered that a victory. She thought she might be ready to take some big leaps and it made her feel nauseous. It was scary because they always said it was the fall that would kill you. Liv was tired of falling and then feeling her way back to sturdy ground in the dark. There had to be a way to do it without wringing herself dry. 

She realized in the office today that she was good for taking blame onto herself when she didn’t need to while brushing off things she needed to take responsibility for. Liv needed a middle ground and maybe someone to hold her hand. It was about to get difficult, as if it hadn’t been so many times before this. She knew she had to do it on her own but a support system was essential. Liv was going to walk all the way through the fire. There was a chance it could destroy her altogether. But there was also the possibility of emerging from the ashes like a phoenix, ready to take on whatever came next.

Olivia Benson was a survivor, even if it was by the skin of her teeth. She was ready to move past just surviving…it was a stasis she'd been her entire adult life. Something good was on the other side of this. That didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be a harrowing journey or that she wouldn’t fail a few times before getting it right. But this time Liv wasn’t going to give up or back off. So much would be left behind; she wanted to drop it off the bridge before burning it. There was something else fighting to be free and she wanted to let it. Let go, she wasn’t sure, but definitely let it.

***

“Hi daddy!” Noah bounded through the door as soon as Ed opened it.

“Hey there.” It nearly took all the strength he had to sweep Noah into a bear hug. “Boy, did I miss you.”

“Me too! Sean and Zency took my bowling on Sunday and then we had lunch at the coloring café but it still wasn’t as fun as you and me.”

“Your nightly phone calls went a long way to making me feel better. Hey, Liv.”

“Hi,” she leaned and kissed his cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired but not sick. They released me from the hospital on Sunday afternoon but the doctors told me I had to rest for the next seven days. Next Monday I'm going to my own doctor to check that all of my numbers are good.

“Do the doctors know what caused it?”

“Not really. They said the dehydration triggered it though I had no idea I was dehydrated in the first place. It had been a busy couple of weeks. I was the kind of busy that I promised myself I would stop being after retirement. It happens. What did you bring me?”

He scooped Noah into his arms and they fell back onto the couch laughing. Ronin immediately joined them. Liv couldn’t help but smile at the scene. It was so effortless, so familial despite the roadblocks they'd both laid down for safety.

“Mommy and I made you chicken and dumplings.” Noah said.

“Wow, did you?”

“Mmm hmm. I read how to make them from her cookbook.”

“He read very well too.” Liv sat down on the arm of the couch. “I'm not sure how much you want to put on your stomach right now but I brought enough for the three of us to have a nice dinner.”

“I appreciate that.” Ed smiled. “I really do love chicken and dumplings. I'm sure I can eat a little.”

“I also brought you a large fruit salad.”

“My doctor said that fruit salad was good. I could get water and nutrients while I was under the weather. Did I tell you that?”

“Yes, last night on the phone. We don’t want to wear you down or anything so I thought we’d have dinner and maybe you and Noah could watch something you enjoy on TV.”

“Scooby Doo and the werewolf is on the DVR, daddy.”

“In the bedroom.” Ed said.

“Mom can we have dinner in the bedroom?” Noah asked.

“Ed, is that alright?”

“There's enough room for the three of us but the dog is going to be very interested in chicken and dumplings.”

“You guys can set up and I will heat dinner.” Liv said.

“Noah, you take Ronin; I'm going to help mom.”

Noah hopped down off the couch and called to the dog; they ran into the master bedroom together. Ed sighed, looking at Olivia.

“You don’t look bad but you do look tired.”

“I noticed that too.”

“And they're sure you're going to be alright? They scheduled every test you can take?”

“Yes, they did. I even had the full battery of STD exams. I am happy to inform you that I do not have the clap.”

“You scared me.” Liv tried to smile but just remembering him in that hospital bed made her shudder. “That’s not your fault, Ed, I'm not putting it on you. But when you starting talking gibberish and shaking, I kinda lost it.”

“That happened again on Saturday evening; my blood sugar bottomed out again. It’s not easy to keep the water, salt, and sugar levels in your body balanced when your body is exhausted and can't hold up its end. I've been taking the doctor’s advice and just resting. It’s going to take a few more days but I will get back to normal. Then I’ll put myself on a good regimen to make sure I don’t get dehydrated again.”

“Do you feel tired easily?” Liv asked. She got up and followed him into the kitchen. His place wasn’t as spacious as hers but the kitchen was bigger.

“When you're resting all the time, tired kind of becomes a state of mind. I take a few cat naps throughout the day instead of long stretches of sleep. And I'm getting at least eight hours a night.”

“Let's heat this on the stove.” She went to the cabinet and found a pot that would be just right.

“That was sweet of you to cook for me.” Ed smiled as he leaned on the counter.

“I had to do something. I wanted you to feel better and for me to feel like I was helping. Noah was the big help…it was good for both his reading and cooking skills.”

“I remember how much time we spent together in the kitchen when he was just a toddler. He wasn’t even three yet and I was teaching him about cuts of meats, kinds of cheeses, and how to make the perfect round pancake.”

“It stayed with him I think. He loves having adventures in the kitchen.”

Liv remembered all of that as well. That first year, from right after Noah’s adoption through their trip to Paris, had been amazing. Ed was an exceptional companion, lover, and friend. He and Noah took to each other immediately; they became best friends. Never once did he even take a pause worrying that his girlfriend had a toddler. 

Noah was a part of the package, and not only that, Ed really liked him. The feeling was mutual. Before it all went to hell, Liv remembered thinking that no one was a better judge of character than her little boy and he was enamored with Ed Tucker. Even if she hadn’t already been feeling what she was feeling that said a lot.

“One of these days I do intend to teach him how to make the perfect pancake. Hey, I want to apologize for how Caitlin acted on Friday. She just…”

“No, don’t do that.” Liv shook her head. “She was frustrated and scared; I'm a big girl so I can handle it. We used to be close and it hurts that we may never be again but that doesn’t fall on Cait. It falls on me…a lot of things fall on me.”

“Don’t do that.” Ed reached out and stroked her hand. He wasn’t going to tell her not to be so hard on herself. The martyr routine was tired; she knew that as well as he did. Still, it was like Liv couldn’t stop herself. Everything, especially if it was bad, was her fault and she carried the burden of that. It was nonsense but Ed couldn’t get her to see that. Maybe that wasn’t something that he should have to do. He hoped it was a constant topic of discussion in therapy.

“I'm not trying to be a martyr, Ed, I promise.” She took a spoon from the drawer and stirred the chicken and dumplings. “I still have to take responsibility for people being hurt even if it was never my intent to hurt them.”

“I get that, and I think you're right. But you don’t have to take all of the blame and responsibility. You apologize sincerely and then you have to move on. Because sometimes holding onto something too long, be it blame, shame, anger, or even love, it becomes the poison, and not the act that hurt you in the first place. I'm no Freud and don’t like to pretend I am. Cait has a right to be angry; you have a right to feel responsible for it. But it’s been three years...maybe you should both let it go.”

“We all know it’s not that easy.” Liv laughed a bit in her throat. “Oh God, if only.”

“Perhaps it should be, for some things. Bowls would be better than plates I think. Yes?”

“Yes.” She nodded. When he turned his back to reach into the cabinet, she spoke. “You told me that you loved me.”

“That hasn’t been a secret for a long time.”

“I mean at the hospital, after your blood sugar dropped too low.”

“I meant it then too.” Ed didn’t remember saying it but since it was true there was no point in being difficult about the whole thing.

“I want to deserve it.” She said.

“You do deserve it, Liv, you never stopped.”

“I lied to you, the night we broke up. I was scared to death that I just couldn’t give you what you needed from a relationship. That first year, I mean I wasn’t confident but I was getting along. Then we went to Paris and it got real and I couldn’t do it. I'd never been able to before and while you were the first person who made me really, really wanted to, I still couldn’t.”

“Without sounding too bitter or all-knowing, you gave too much of yourself to someone else. Unfortunately he didn’t give much back and that left you empty. Not empty of the feelings but in how to make them work. But like I said, I am no Freud. I'm not going to psychoanalyze you because it’s not fair.”

“You're right though.” Liv said.

“I wish that I wasn’t.”

“There’s a sizable list of men in my life who have failed me on different levels. I'm not perfect; I know that I've hurt people that I love. But I try. I tend to get sucked in by men who aren’t very good at trying. There's been an exception or two.”

“You deserve someone who will always try.” Ed said. “There's no such thing as a perfect partner and even the best relationships can be like having a tough but fulfilling job. When you love someone, it’s worth it. That’s rarely ever a question when you really love someone.”

“I want to try, Ed. I'm just afraid that it could be some time before I'm really alright. Who am I to ask you to wait around?”

“You're the woman I love.” He replied. “You have been for a long time, by the way.”

“Do you think…?”

“Hey!” Noah came rushing out of the bedroom. “Is dinner soon? It smells really good and I’m hungry.”

“I have the bowls right here.” Ed held them up. “Is the movie ready to go?”

“Uh huh.” Noah nodded.

“Alright, five minutes. You better get back in there before Ronin takes the warm spot.”

Noah rushed out of the room without a second thought. Ed scooped chicken and dumplings into three bowls; he didn’t want it to burn. Then he placed them on the counter and crossed the room in three steps to take Liv into his arms. They both held on tight.

“I want so desperately to get this right.” She whispered into his tee shirt.

“When I'm with you and Noah, it’s always right. I know there are things you need to work on, you know that too, but one of those things will never be my loving you.”

“I love you too.”

“Look at me.” Ed tilted her chin until they were looking in each other’s eyes. “I made a promise and I intend to keep it…I will always have your back. If you just hold on, you never have to be afraid of losing me.”

“I'm such a mess sometimes. Do you really want a woman who's such a mess?”

“You're going to therapy; you're a work in progress. I will help in any way I can. Liv don’t forget how long I've known you. This is about more than romance. I said I would be supportive of Olivia Benson the person, no matter what kind of relationship we were in. I've never broken a promise to you.”

“What did I do to deserve that?” Liv asked.

“I could make you a list but I'm not even sure you’d believe me. Let me be what you need. Let me be your safe place. I can do that; I want to do that. But we better feed our growing child before he revolts.”

“I need you to kiss me, Ed Tucker, before I revolt. I'm sure what happens after that, but…”

Ed gently took her face in his hands, leaning forward to brush his nose against hers. Liv sighed and then gasped, the latter being swallowed by his passionate kiss. It was strong but at the same time so soft, which was the perfect way to describe Ed. Liv gripped the back of his shirt while slipping her tongue into his mouth.

“Dad, yuck, what are you doing?” Noah leaned against the kitchen wall mortified.

“That’s called kissing, my boy. Good kissing as a matter of fact.” Ed smiled as Liv leaned her forehead on his chest.

“But kissing is how diseases are spread, like cooties.”

“Only kids get cooties.” Liv said. She handed Noah his bowl of chicken and dumplings.

“For real?”

“Yes. The oldest confirmed case was a 13 year old in Nova Scotia.” Ed said. He handed Liv their bowls and grabbed drinks from the fridge. There was Juicy Juice for Noah, diet Coke for Liv, and a cherry flavored Gatorade for him. They started the move to the bedroom. Noah sat cross-legged at the bottom while his parents rested on the pillows at the top.

“Did the kid in Nova Scotia die?” Noah asked, mangling the name of the Canadian province. “Of cooties?”

“Cooties aren’t fatal.” Ed replied. “You can start the movie now.”

“Are you guys going to kiss when I'm not looking?”

“No.” Liv shook her head.

“Probably.” Ed nodded.

They spoke in unison and it made them laugh. Their youngster was unimpressed.

“I still say it’s gross, dad.”

“Enjoy your movie.”

He sighed, but turned around and focused on the TV. He started up _Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf_ on the DVR. Ronin went to cuddle beside him knowing that a taste of whatever was in the bowl was a guarantee.

“Ronin, cut it out.”

He looked up at Ed, assessed the situation, and moved over a bit. He'd get nothing if he was kicked out of the bedroom. It was rare but it happened. Sticking close to Noah was a good plan; the kid always hooked him up.

“We might want to pick up where we left off sometime in the near future.” Liv whispered.

“The discussion or the lip locking?” Ed asked.

“Both.”

“We have time.”

“OK.” She nodded. “We do?”

“Yes, Liv. I didn’t just kiss you for the basic physical reasons. I love you, and it’s important to me that I can support you while you walk the path to healing. If that’s what you want.”

“I just want us to be the best chapter of the story.”

Ed smiled, leaning to kiss her cheek. Liv still had a journey ahead of her; they both knew and acknowledged that. He just wanted to be at her side. Knowing that she felt the same was like balm to his wounded soul. Ed wanted this to be easy for them. Relationships had their share of work but love should be easy. 

It always had been when it came to his feelings for Liv. It would be interesting to see if her feelings could help defeat her demons. It hadn’t worked out for them the last time and Liv even admitted to lying in order to end the relationship. He hoped she wasn’t the person anymore who felt like she ever had to do that with him. This time it seemed as if they both wanted to invest in the commitment…for themselves and for Noah. Ed leaned to kiss her once more for good measure, and Liv met him halfway.

She wasn’t going to mess up this time. She was going to have her family with Ed and Noah. Maybe his kids would even forgive her and like her again. Her overblown devotion to the NYPD wasn’t standing in their way. Olivia was ready to push through the other obstacles that might very well be. 

There was more work to do but she felt she was finally ready. She loved Ed, he loved her, and he had her back. He didn’t have her back sometimes. He didn’t have her back because she gave and gave and he had to seem at least a little reciprocal. He'd always had her back. 

He told her, on the record, that it would be whether they were romantically involved or not. She should've known then that it could be OK…and for a little while it really was. Nothing Ed did was to get something from her or to achieve some end. It was done out of love and care. Liv wanted to both return the favor and relish in the feeling.

***


End file.
